Why I’ll Miss Atlanta Part I

Current Song(s): Tae Yang – I Need A Girl; Alison Krauss – Oh, Atlanta

Atlanta is better than where you live.

Even if you think I’m wrong, I will defend that truth till I die.  Still, the plan is to move out pretty soon and in the short time I’ve been here post college, I’m already reminded about what I’ll miss.

I’d like to express my deepest sincerest sadness in a x part break-up letter that will expand as more thoughts come to mind.

Dear Atlanta,

Before we get started here, I want you to know that it’s not you, it’s me.

Since my first breaths in the great peach state, you’ve only given me your best, but it’s time for me to move on. I need to grow, and I feel like I’ve picked enough peaches from your tree. Still, lets not focus on the sadness that will ensue, but rather remember what made us so great.

Family is obviously the first thing that comes to mind. Of course there’s my immediate family, but I’m also talking about all my friends here. You unselfishly introduced me to the best you had to offer. It’s those type of people that embrace you after spending time away for four years. The ones that think I’m hilarious no matter what. Or how about the ones where we can wake up hungover and just blast Tae Yang or Rach 3 in the mornings. How could I forget the bowling team/All-Star Special? They all make life so comfortable here in the red clay.

…

Kidz

Current Song: MGMT – Kids

Even if you hate to admit it, everyone has a loose life plan. For example, in 10-15 years it would be nice to have one or two little boogers/princesses calling me dad.

But let me not get ahead of myself here(warning: shameless promotion to be showered with gifts), in less than a month on September 16th, I will turn into Michael Jordan’s  jersey number in terms of age. Twenty-Three. The intensity with which this sucks can only be understood by those turning twenty-four, but I think the serious issue is that I’m falling within the decade of my 10 year plan which makes things even scarier, real.

On the flip side, my nephews are in town which serves as the impetus for writing this entry and it reminds of two things :

ONE. They are the cutest little snots ever and TWO. I am not ready to be a dad.

Part two obviously brings me great relief and reminds me that 23 is not 33 and that I can still take pictures like this:

and

and not be scrutinized… by most.

Kids are generally the best indicator of changing times. Like for instance, last time I saw Reily he was barely walking. Now he’s running,  bowling and insisting that his shoes be in every picture we take. I’m also reminded that it’s important what kind of impression I leave on the boys as they start to remember more and more of their strange uncle. I want to set an example for them, but I also want to be remembered as that wildy crazy uncle that they can come to for advice or drive to when they are running away for the first time. It’s nice to have them as a reminder that I am still just Uncle Brian, 22 soon to be 23, and that I have a look to before I become a permanent jungle gym/protector of my spawn.

Now, if someone could just get me a job damnit.

Workout Songz

I’m back on my sophomore workout binge, and I think it’s already paying off! I’ve gotten some compliments from both males(mostly males) and females concerning my physique! Stephen Yu even suggested that I should stop lifting!! These compliments are keeping me motivated to work out, however my diet is not exactly helping. Weekends are still filled with college like ragers and drunk texts with my red headed genius from the North, which erase much of the work that is done in the stomach region. Bowling nights followed by the necessary Waffle House chats are also killing it, but they are clearly essential to life.

Still I am happy that I’m making visual progress! Whoo!

Still, for me, my work out is as only as good as my play list. Therefore, I’ve compiled my top 10 workout songs that help me run that extra mile or push me for that extra set. It may be a little rap heavy, but they are all songs that will keep you moving.

My top 10 workout songs:

1. Collapse: Eminem – I always listen monologue in the beginning and then when that first clap hits, I get a rush of energy.

2. Soldier: Eminem – These two Eminem songs are essential in my workout and my go to songs when I need energy. Even if my collar bones crush or crumble, I will never slip or stumble.

3. I Put On For My City: Young Jeezy feat Kanye– Even though I plan on leaving the ATL, this song always gives me some ATL pride. Kayne’s verse always hits me hard,  talking about how he’s lost the only woman that knows him best(his mom).

4. Body Bounce : Kardinal feat Akon – You may not have stretch marks, but the first time I heard this line, “You a little insecure but baby you got plenty, Them stretch marks on your hips is just bungie cords bringin’ you back when you dip,” I started cracking up on the treadmill.

5. Bleed It Out: Linkin Park – Angry, Good Song to push to.

6. Remember the Name: Fort Minor – I spent a good amount of time making sure they added things right up during this song. Indeed there is a 100% reason to remember the name.

7. Motivation: T.I. – Another ATL rapper that gives you motivation to work it out like Usher.

8. Somebody to Love: Justin Bieber – Just a good uptempo song. I’ll have to be honest though, I turn the volume down when it comes on b/c I always wonder if I’m the only person who listens to Jbiebs at the gym.

9. Run This Town: Jay Z – Good beat and it asks you who’s going to run this town tonight. Taken literally, it should be you.

10. Insert popular dance song: Currently it’s a toss up between Dynamite: Tao Cruz and Usher: DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again. The Usher song reminds me of the Inception soundtrack with those loud horn blasts(very apparent at the end) and I actually throw my hands up when I listen to Tao Cruz on any running device.

U.B.D.

Current Song: Feist – Inside and Out – see video below (Thanks Jae)

I have the unique symptoms of UBD or unemployed boredom disorder.

Although I’m applying to jobs pretty regularly, going out quite a bit, and bowling, I find myself looking to projects and goals to achieve. For instance here is a list of some of the cures I’ve come up to motivate, stimulate, or direct myself with my current condition.

1. Facebook ban till Job: Fail

2. Growing my facial hair: Super Ugly/Fail

3. Thinking of wild trips or fun adventures: Drive Across America (good possibility now), Sky diving (too poor), Harry Potter World (too poor), camping in the wild(done)

4. Writing Greeting Cards for Blue Mountain Arts:

Here’s one I wrote last night before bed from a parent to his/her graduating son.

Outside – Even if the Sun had a Son… Inside – He’d never be as bright as You. Happy Graduation!

5. Cooking: Made Poached Salmon with this awesome sauce plus asparagus with Joyce yesterday thank you very much. Was super delish.

All in all, I’ve been generally focused on the task at hand and trying to find a job that will move me to a permanent address of my own, but I’m always looking for someone to beckon me somewhere fun and exciting. Who knows when I’ll ever get the simple chance to just say fuck it and do something wild. Challenge me, push me, invite me, and recommend me anything and I promise to give it some serious thought.

Sexy Song/Video from Feist!

Star Warz

Current Song: Usher ft. Pitbull – DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again; and Dynamic Duo – 죽일 놈 (Korean Music)

As a kid, I was a Star Wars freak,

and this picture just melts me into pieces.

Metrodad’s a Chronic Thinker Too

Current Song: Scala & Kolacny Brothers – Creep(Cover)

My friends introduced me to a blog that follows the progression of a married then single father as he raises an adorable little girl he refers to as Peanut. It had been awhile since I had read some of his words, and I found myself mentally nodding to one of his post about relationships.

I’ll quote directly and HERE is the original post/blog:

“I tend to be very passionate about the things I love so there’s a large part of me that wants to be with a woman whom when I read a great book, hear an amazing song, watch a deeply moving film or discover a new restaurant, I can run up to her excitedly and yell, “Look what I found! This is US!”

However, he goes on to say…

“While I am an avowed romantic who firmly believes that no man is an island, I also find myself thinking more and more at this age that perhaps the ideal goal of a relationship between two people isn’t a merging of two individuals. On the contrary, maybe the healthiest long-term relationships accept that, even between the closest people, infinite distances exist and the key to happiness is to not only wholly love someone but also to be comfortable with the great expanse that inherently lies between you.

Then again, as another female friend tells me, maybe I just think too damn much.”

Unfortunately, I’m way too familiar with the pitfalls of being a chronic thinker and mixing that with a whirlwind of hopeless romanticism leaves me exactly that…hopeless. haha.

Carpe Brian

Current Song: Phantom Planet – Lonely Day ; David Choi – That Girl

On my flight home from New York, I befriended a two year old girl who was essentially using me as a jungle gym at the airport lounge. After sharing some my tunes with her, she looked to me and asked me, “So… WHERE ARE YOUR KIDS?”

Dear Lord.

And so began the rampant downfall of the past week. Emerging a few days later, here I am jumping back on the horse, even if I am not a gymnast (watch Zoolander). I can attribute a lot of this to “the party list” and some damn good companionship. Before I go into that,  I just wanted to note that I feel like I’m much more aware of when I’m dreaming now after watching Inception. My dreams are more intense and vivid and I tend to remember them a bit more.

I digress back to my past few days of darkness and what continues to push me through.

For those of that you who don’t know, I created a “party list” in college. Whenever I felt something was relevant or fun, I would blast out a text to my close friends. It was pretty efficient and fun way to set up parties and find a companion for events. Now, I’ve carried this seemingly juvenile list into the real world. However, instead of parties, I use the texts to keep up with people, ask them what color underwear they’re  wearing, or to display my deep desire to have them around whenever I get a chance to drink. The best part of the list is that I can always get someone to respond whenever I’m feeling bored, tired, or sad. It’s a pretty good reminder that my friends are always around and care even though they might be spread all around the country or even sitting at work on their berries.

Michael Choi, my second round of defense, also made the trek up to my house for a good grown up sleep over. Michael, as many of you know, is one of my life friends. Since we were six growing up playing the cello, we’ve done almost everything together. Admittedly, we don’t talk too much and other people probably know us better than we know each other, but there is an unspoken bond that we have that is pretty laid back but intense at the same time. In attempt at dark humor, Michael and I decided to buy a handle of rum and write our last testaments. I guess this sounds completely morbid to some of you, but if you think about it we really don’t have much to give away at this point. For instance, Christine asked for my suspenders because unlike my other friends she realizes I’m not giving my cello away to just anyone. Just to name a few more bequeathments, Choi got my Star Wars card collection and I got his. Stephen Yu got my ties. Joyce got my notebooks and journals. And half way through the handle and barely into our wills, we looked at each other and pushed on to bed satisfied.

I’ve realized when we graduate, we draw this fine line between growing up and keeping our youth in tact. 40 may be the new thirty, but 20 can’t possibly be the new 10..or can it? I’m obviously joking, but it’s depressing to think that most of what we do now is centered around our futures instead of focusing on what’s good right now. When we shop many of us think, “Is this business appropriate?” or “How can I use this in the future”. I’ll be honest, my naivety makes me extremely excited to become a suit one day; However, when you are entering all this real world bullshit there are some things you need let go of and there are others that you don’t. I wish I could say I’m taking my own advice, but in most cases I feel like imprisoned myself within certain parameters that I don’t care to discuss right now.

To this point, I’ll at least tell you what is good right now. My generous friends and their eclectic collection of sexy underwear. The pimp cane I  now carry when I’m walking around because of my sprained ankle. The opportunity to keep searching for my future and the ability to look back and forward with optimism. A lot of us are faced with a lot of seemingly big decisions in our lives, and as many of you told me and as many of you have been told, things will happen if they’re meant to. It’s hard to believe in that hackneyed cliche, but in the end it can and should help you focus on what’s good now. Cause in the real world – who knows – you could easily be getting a book, an old memento, or a poster from my will tomorrow.

Love, Live Life, Proceed, Progress

Current Song: Bruno Mars – Just the Way You Are

And if you wanna leave, you’re leavin’ the best. So you would have to settle for less.

One of my favorite rap songs happens to be Lil Wayne’s – Comfortable. It encompasses a lot of the self-confidence every human being should have in any relationship. The idea that, yea I’m the shit and everyone should know that or leave b/c you’re no Beyonce… listen to the song.

I got game like E.A., but I wanna let you play.

Many of you may not know this, but I was once a married man. I used to mow the lawn and do all the things around the house all before nap time. This was my loose introduction to the world of relationships.  And yup, my first relationship turned into a marriage. But as life goes, she left before pre-school ended and flew off to Japan. I think most of the stuffed animals in attendance don’t even exist anymore. And so it goes.

“I will never 1,2,3,4get about you”

Oops. Actually, to be honest with you, I’m drawing a blank on her name. I think it’s funny that this is probably the only thing I can remember before age 4 besides getting hit by a car, but that’s more from stories rather than personal knowledge. It’s rough, these relationship things. Fights, decisions, moving on, holding back, forgiving, happiness, sharing, dancing, loving are all parts of relationships – friendship or romantic.

“I am no Elliot Ness. I don’t handcuff, I don’t arrest”

Returning from New York, maybe empty handed in expectation, has given me more perspective on myself and my relationships all around. One of the things that I’ve learned is that when a relationship goes sour, you can choose to  go a number of ways.  For me in particular, it wasn’t a matter of looking back and remembering what was bad or good, but rather why a relationship had any value to begin. Yes, people change and life happens, but in the end you can hope that what is fundamental to an individual doesn’t change. Otherwise, in most cases, we have the keys to un-cuff ourselves, but we make excuses or we’re too afraid. If there’s a time to make these mistakes though, it’s now and I’m excited to make every mistake humanly possible. In the end, it’ll make sure that I don’t take anything for granted, it’s granted.

You mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Current Movie: Inception

I have a love hate relationship with New York.

On any given day, I love the thought of living here and others it just seems like I’m in a concrete jail cell.

I Love:

the feeling of the air wooshing through the subway before a train comes. Since the subways are so warm to begin with, the air is not only refreshing, but it’s also a unique indicator that your train is fast approaching.

Spending time with people here that know their way around. For instance, would have never been into Crumbs without direction. Delish cupcakes even though I didn’t get to eat too much of it.

The wide range of talent in the subways and on the street. If I ever lived here, I think I would always have 7 ones and give a dollar to one performer every day.

The diversity and buzz. There’s always something going on here and there’s always something to do if you care to find out

I Hate:

the cost of living, lack of space, loss of liberty(car)

That despite it being the epicenter of diversity and buzz, everyone seems to be in their own world almost zombie-like.

the weather. It was humid and hot. This is not supposed to be the South.

On a personal level, feeling like the expectations vs reality scene in [500] days of summer. Also the inability to dress and look more like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Here, learn French while you’re at it.

Overall I feel happy with how things turned out in New York. I met some new people. Saw some old people. Had some great conversations. Rode the train. Chilled in the park. Spent way too much in bars. And it all leaves me invariably optimistic for a potential future here someday. I feel like this trip has been a few good steps forward in most directions for me and that leaves me satisfied.

If anything, unemployment is at least giving me the ability to keep my options open. So in that sense, I feel lucky. However, I’m ready to go back to Atlanta and to square some things away in my life.

Who knows what will happen?

5% Miracle Gro

Current Song: Jason Derulo – Riding Solo

I am focused.

I am poised.

I am success.

I am so nervous.

**Big Props to Joyce Lau who wins most epic friend ever for making me a delicious meal that didn’t require me to chew and giving me perspective all my issues at the same time. She is so wise, and in the end, it’s all about that 5% Miracle Gro.**

Letting Go

Current Song(s): Justin Bieber-Somebody to Love; Frau Frau-Let Go

Alexander Graham Bell once said, “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”

Letting go has always been an issue that I have never successfully managed to master yet. While it often has its benefits like making sure I keep in contact with my closest friends, it also has a devastating impact on my ability to move on from past failures, especially in regards to the opposite sex.

Thoughts like these tend to enter my mind during the worst times, like while sitting with two ice packs on my face watching Moose Attack! on the Discovery Channel. (Did you know that more people are injured from Moose and deer attacks than all the other carnivorous species put together?) The feeling of emptiness kind of consumes you and you almost feel like nobody cares. Even in the midst of smiling faces and concerned friends, the mind tends to wander where you want it to go least and to make matters worse, my mind  is incredibly hopeless. During these times, I often look back and think to exact moments where I could have acted differently to change my current position – eyes fixed on that shut door. There seems to be a disconnect between the position that my brain wants and my actual state. I’ve found, that although persistence is key in many situations, persistence can also strangle and smother the best of relationships.

Ultimately, it’s just hurts me a lot to have to let things go especially when I don’t want to, but I’m improving slowly with each door that shuts. I just can’t wait to see what’s next.

X vs Y

Current Song(really deep, I like it!): Harvey Danger – Little Round Mirrors;  Metric: Sick Muse

I’ve been having a lot of X v Y thoughts lately and I’d like to share them with you.

The first one is one that I have debated with a number of people. Sex vs Food. What would you rather give up? It’s a pretty clear choice for me right now because I’ve just lost my wisdom teeth (why do they even call them that?)  Hopped up on pain killers and cheeks that look like I belong in an Asian remake of the Godfather, I would push Jessica Alba aside for a juicy steak. Ok maybe I wouldn’t go that far, but you get my Tokyo Drift. It’s just when my mom plops a heaping mound of my favorite Korean food in front of my face urging me to eat two hours after surgery, I can’t help but yell, “What the heck mom!? I can’t chew let alone close my mouth. Can’t you see the dribble of drool hanging down from the corner of my salivating and numb mouth?” Forget Chinese water torture, just waive my mom’s cooking around and we’ll get the truth outta whoever.

Another one, especially on my potential current single salary, is whether to have a dog or a girlfriend. What would be better? A DOG DUH? right? Man’s best friend is a simple and constant chingoo(friend). It’s pretty much the relationship I’ve always been looking for – someone who wants me and will listen and obey after a little training. haha.

Seriously, in this day in age how am I supposed to even find a girl let alone take her on a date. Movies, the classic first date, pushes 25 dollars in most places. Then you have to factor in dinner and oh ice cream obvi. We’re looking at 50 dollars for the base first date here. Assuming we’re not dating a man-hating-woman of the 21st century, the guy should always pay for the first few dates at least. Maybe you don’t agree, but that’s why chivalry is dead to half of the women in the world.

I guess I shouldn’t be talking, b/c I’m looking to mold myself into a trophy husband. Yea, I’ve got high hopes for myself. A little plastic surgery and ab implants will probably get me on the golf course on the weekdays while my wife brings home the apple wood-smoked bacon and the Bacon by Six.

I digress. It’s a good thing I’m creative and I love coupons. I’m just waiting for that date when the girl whips out her own coupon book to display her own buy one get one free mentality. Although, it may be hard to tell if she likes me or needs another person to get the “one free” part.

I’m actually in a chipper mood right now. Hanging out with one of my best friends all day really makes the rest of the week less bleak. Changing the headlamps on her car also makes me feel like real man, even if I did manage to change the wrong one. It reminds me that all of our relationships, not just the romantic ones, are important, worthwhile, and satisfying in different ways.

Man I just realized how deep X v Y can be in the whole scheme of things. I’m so inadvertently deep.

Dominoes

Current Song: Sharon Shannon & Steve Earle – Galaway Girl

Now that the first domino has fallen, it’s time to put in some work and watch the rest fall.

Hopeful composition of my mind for the next month:

JobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobs

JobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobs

JobsBoffJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobs

JobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobs

JobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobs

JobsJobsJobsJobsJobsJobs

JobsJobsJobsJobs

JobsJobs

Boff.

Waiting

Current Song: Eminem – Space Bound

Waiting sucks.

A lot of what I’m doing now seems like I’m just waiting for something, someone. Waiting sort of evokes this feeling of helplessness within that makes me uneasy. Waiting for jobs, acceptance/denial calls, or people to make up their minds can be a humbling and exposing experience.

Luckily, my search is still young, and I’m surrounded by people who care. I’ve found that these waiting experiences provide you a lot of information about yourself and some more about your personal supporting cast. It’s nice to see support come from unexpected places and people.  I’ve probably enjoyed this most. I find it extremely comforting to know that teams of supporters can emerge for non-twilight characters. I feel like I have my own “Team Brian”.

Although many view patience as virtue, I tend to agree and act on the premise that  “patience is just another word for getting old”.  So as a final note of optimism, I know I’m too damn young to be so worried, and I have a feeling things will fall into place sooner than later. However, for now, I’m just saying that limbo doesn’t suit me at all.

Welcome to the Real World?

Song of the moment: Bruno Mars – Her World Goes On; B.O.B – Nothin on You

First, I’d just like to apologize, but this “blog” is pretty much just going to be daily ramblings on relationships and life as it pertains to me. Therefore, I’d suggest you stop reading if you already haven’t.

It’s almost 1:30AM and I have an interview tomorrow morning that I’m not too excited about. Even though I’m not stressing about that particular job, I can’t sleep. Per usual, there are so many thoughts running around in my head that I need to get out.

Welcome to the Real World! What does that even mean now? I think I interpret it as that for the first time in awhile, we get to choose exactly what we want. For the first time in our lives(at least for the unemployed) we have zero expectation except our own. However what does that mean for us? Does that mean things have to change and that I have to conform into some real world set standard?

Most of us are so busy trying to get rich or die trying that we try to force ourselves into careers or jobs that have nothing to do with what we want to do. I for one am coming across this dilemma. There are some safe options that I could take like the job tomorrow, or I could say fuck it and roll with the punches. I admire those kids who are doing what they want like my friend in LA who is reading scripts, working with immigrants in China town, or my neighbor and friend who is playing professional poker (and making a small fortune). But who really knows what they want these days without having any real experience with the job? What job would you take if dollar signs didn’t matter?

My problem is that I’ve always been a straight shooter maybe too all or nothing kind of guy.  This job will bring this many dollar signs and let me go here. I think most of my class graduated with this mindset.  I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t take financial security over happiness, but as the dilemma goes, how much do you sacrifice? If I had all these answers maybe I’d be looking for apartments within the price range of my next job, but for now I feel like staying young.

I want my own real world.  I want to create and love on my terms. I want to be reckless. And things wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention a thing about wanting to share it all with someone special because that’s what I have found to be one of the most important thing in life. However, in all honesty, I’m too scared to stray off the path, and odds are my reality, my real world will be lost when I step out to pay my own bills and work my 9-5. How depressing is that realization? Maybe that’s why relationships are so important, because sometimes that’s you’re best and only true chance in holding on to your personal real world at all times, rather than conforming to the shit that we have to pay attention to in society. While they can make us crazy, it’s one of the things that keeps you human and sane. (provided you’re in a relationship that’s worth it – which is a whole other topic on its own)

I guess this only really pertains to those people who have no idea what they want to do in life and the idealistic unemployed. And hey, that’s me. Hopefully, I’ll love my job and cherish it like none other, but for now all I have is contempt for what may happen in that arena of my life once I step out into the unknown depths of the “real world”. Bleh.

Cheers to the young and directionless.